Scraps of Paper

2008-09-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

cold fingers
cold feet
the coldness of an office
and the company of heartless numbers

thoughts of you warm me
hope the fire burns 'til the next time
i rest my head on your shoulder
and you hold my hands
under dark skies

2008-09-18T22:08:00.000-07:00

update folks.

the imaginary boy is no more.
he's real and i'm his.

Agape

2008-01-27T20:16:00.000-08:00

"...is a love that is there for the other.

It seeks to give. It wants to serve. It endeavors to protect. It strains to nurture.

Loves sees what others often cannot see. It looks simply at the outer person, with its beauty or lack thereof. It looks at the inner person and sees its potentiality, and its woundedness.

And in seeing does not flee or attempt to remake the other. But it stays long enough to be close, to care and to empower."

-- Whispers from the Edge of Eternity

2007-09-05T00:48:00.000-07:00

the only other sound in the room is your own sorrow
if i could sweep it out and throw it away
tuck away the stry wrinkles on the sheets
tug at the curtains and let rays of joy in
i would but have no power to do so

my heart breaks for you even now
if i could hold you together while everything falls apart i would...

2007-06-08T00:10:00.000-07:00

i watch from our balcony
as a plane soars higher
a few moments later
i head back to my dark room
because i thought of you again
and the travels i wish we could go on
but can't and won't

2007-03-21T01:41:00.000-07:00

I lack the wisdom of your age
No bushes have burnt unconsumed before me
Neither have rivers bled
Nor insects plagued my land
Yet Moses I do tonight what you did
Before Israel crossed the Jordan
Remember! you cried
And so will I
I fear my speech will be long
There is so much to say
My heart is heavy with much sorrow, hope and joy
My mind fraught with memories of old and visions of new
Oh God, as you led him and taught them
So lead me and teach me
Bless them and guide them
Not in my hands or theirs
but in your hands rests
All our hope and our very lives.

2006-10-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

there's always a hand at the gate and door
a hug in my weakest moments
a smile to give me hope
a prayer uttered
a kiss to send me away

there's a genuineness
a gentleness
a shared vulnerability
a common brokeness
a single hope

i am home here among you
i loathe to leave

2006-09-24T14:47:00.001-07:00

Level 1
( ) smoked a cigarette
( ) done weed
(x) kissed a member of the same sex (no one's asking where right?)
(x) drank alcohol
SO FAR: 2

Level 2
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted (and was sorry)
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
SO FAR: 5

Level 3
(x) snuck out of a parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have themback
( ) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger (does a nonstranger count? just wondering)
(x) gone out on a blind date
SO FAR: 8

Level 4
(x) had a crush on an older person
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
(x) seen someone/something die
SO FAR: 11

Level 5
(x) had/have a crush on one of your FRIENDSTER friends
( ) been to Paris
( ) been to Spain
(x) been on a plane
(x) thrown up from drinking
SO FAR: 14

Level 6
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(x) met someone BECAUSE of friendster
(x) been mosh pitting
SO FAR: 17

Level 7
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken pain killers
(x) love/like someone right now (like!)
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
( ) made a snow angel
SO FAR: 20

Level 8
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
SO FAR: 25

Level 9
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
SO FAR: 29

Level 10
(x) used a fake/someone else's ID
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
( ) killed a snake
SO FAR: 32

Level 11
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed/vandalized
(x) robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood
( ) pet a reindeer
SO FAR: 36

Level 12
(x) won a contest
( ) been suspended from school
( ) had detention
( ) been in a car/motorcycle accident
SO FAR: 37

Level 13
(x) had/have braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one day
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
SO FAR: 41

Level 14
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes
SO FAR: 46

Level 15
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the world
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like you were dying
SO FAR: 51

Level 16
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently coloured with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sang karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
SO FAR: 56

Level 17
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't (like drinking?! haha)
(x) made prank phone calls (haha! fun back in highschool)
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) kissed in the rain (again, no one's asking who and where)
SO FAR: 60

Level 18
(x) written a letter to Santa Clause (folly of the younger years)
(x) been kissed under a mistletoe (british school what can i say?)
(x) watched the sun set with someone youcare/cared about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
SO FAR: 65

Level 19
(x) crashed a party
( ) have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) gone roller skating/ blading
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a cow (that's just crazy!)
SO FAR: 68

Level 20
(x) worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge (not a suicidal attempt)
( ) screamed "penis" at a football game.
( ) swimming with dolphins
SO FAR: 70

Level 21
(x) got your tongue stuck to a pole/freezer/icecube
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
(x) Sat on a roof top
SO FAR: 73

Level 22
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) can do a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 3 hours (8hours)
(x) stayed up all night (duh! all the time!)
SO FAR: 76

Level 23
( ) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had/been in a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone
SO FAR: 79

Level 24
(x) believe in ghosts
(x) have/had more then 30 pairs of shoes
( ) gone streaking
( ) been in jail
SO FAR: 81

I've done 81 out of these 125 random (sometimes outrageous) deeds

2006-09-24T14:47:00.000-07:00

2006-09-07T02:43:00.000-07:00

you said i was beautiful
and that you loved me

but we were only rehearsing
why do i hope?

this too shall fade
therein lies my salvation

2006-09-07T01:21:00.000-07:00

AMPCast #004

Conversation at last!

2006-09-06T17:55:00.000-07:00

though i may wish so
you have no need to prove yourself
you are not my keeper after all
and i am not yours

2006-09-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

AMPCast #003

Our meeting bore more sadness than joy. My iPod seemed to sense my mood.

Grace Is Gone - Dave Matthews Band

Neon shines through smoky eyes tonightIt’s 2 am
I’m drunk again it’s heavy on my mind
It's heavy on my mind
I could never love again so much as I love you
Where you end where I begin is like a river going through
Take my heart take my eyes cause I need them no more
If never again they'll fall upon the one I so adore

Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart, my Grace is gone
Another drink and I’ll move on

One drink to remember, another to forget
How could I ever dream to find a love like this again
One drink to remember, another to forget

Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart, my Grace is gone

Another drink and I’ll move on
One more drink and I’ll move on
You think of things impossible then the sun refuse to shine
I woke with you beside me your cold hand lay in mine
Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart, my Grace is gone

Another drink and I’ll go
Excuse me please one more drink
Could you make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
Another drink and I’ll move on
One more drink and I’ll move on
One more drink my Grace is gone

2006-09-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

je ne comprende pas japonais
you'll have to speak to me some other way

2006-08-31T04:10:00.000-07:00

AMPCast #002

Welcome to the AMPCast ladies and gentlemen... where, for lack of any excitement, yours truly makes a fool of herself over AMP to the tunes of whatever my IPod chooses to play while I'm in his vicinity. Today's background music to our hallway encounter was *drumroll*...

Look at all those fancy clothes,
But these could keep us warm just like those.
And what about your soul? Is it cold?
Is it straight from the mold, and ready to be sold?
And cars and phones and diamond rings,
Bling, bling, those are only removable things.

And what about your mind? Does it shine?
Are there things that concern you, more than your time?

Gone, going. Gone, everything.
Gone, give a damn.
Gone, be the birds, when they don't wanna sing.
Gone, people, all awkward with their things,
Gone.

Look at you, out to make a deal.
You try to be appealing, but you lose your appeal.
And what about those shoes you're in today?
They'll do no good, on the bridges you burnt along the way.
Are you willing to sell, anything?

Gone, with your hurt. Leave your footprints,
And we'll shame them with our words.

Gone, people, all careful and consumed.
Gone
Gone, going.
Gone, everything.
Gone, give a damn.

Gone, be the birds, when they don't wanna sing.
Gone, people, all awkward with their things,
Gone.

I have no way of relating the song to the experience. Oh well, this wasn't supposed to make sense anyway. That song is Gone by Jack Johnson, one of my favorite artists. Very laid-back kind of music, the type to play out on the beach or when you're just bumming around. I love his lackdaisical voice.

2006-08-28T04:15:00.000-07:00

tall? check
conversational? check
kind? check
funny? check
mature? check

christian? check
living the talk? check

likes you? nope

drats!

2006-08-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

heard within the walls of room 122 @ the ilang residence hall:

roommate_1: "i CAAAN'T manage my time!"

roommate_2: "then don't."

2006-08-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

let coffee be coffee
that greeting just a greeting
that touch just human skin
that smile just a curl

assumptions lead nowhere
through the rush is craved
this is my journey
and it is a lonely one

and my heart did break
on the rocks of truth

2006-08-06T06:35:00.000-07:00

Our time together felt like pointes broken in. It fit snugly around us and helped us on while we were together. Apart, it feels like I'm dancing on my toes in dead shoes. There are smudges of red on the wood panels and the angry tears mingle with the sweat. I shouldn't cry over us. But I do.

2006-07-31T03:14:00.000-07:00

Love Song for No One

[John Mayer]

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
Oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here(1st time Oh, yeah)
2x
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

2006-07-30T00:39:00.000-07:00

would i want to live forever
clone myself again and again
teach the new me
how to be like the me that's me
get a second second chance at things
get to try my feet on ice
get to dance while under four feet tall
get that MD title and job
get those grades
but then all those i love
i'll have to clone
that ice, dance, title and grade
they won't matter
if i'm all alone

2006-07-15T22:51:00.000-07:00

you know, it's the weirdest thing
there's ginger ice cream
with bits of ginger in it
and you feel like you're eating salabat
and that maybe you don't deserve it
because you aren't sick
and you don't belt out tunes
and maybe it's horrible
and you're the only one ordering it
and the restaurant will phase it out
if you don't buy tubs
but i like it, i do
and that's weird, you know

2006-07-15T22:45:00.000-07:00

2006-07-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

i walk alone
i run alone
i eat alone
at least there's something constant in my life

2006-07-08T01:37:00.000-07:00

i wish the miles between us didn't exist...
the warmth is fast fading and i'm so cold again.

2006-07-03T00:58:00.000-07:00

When one is an asthmatic, the first thing one learns to do is to identify allergens and stay away from them.

One afternoon at Borders, I came across a book entitled "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper. Here, I thought to myself, is a book that at seems to radiate some little pomise of hitting home in me. I browsed through the contents and made an effort to read the first few sentences of the book. Just three sentences into the foreword, part of me wanted to purchase the book.

In the end though, I walked out of Borders with a copy of Ballet for Dummies instead of John Piper's pack of words. Somewhere between the stacks and the counter, the allergic reaction I've developed to words like joy, God, faith, and grace set in and I dropped the book.

Ironically enough, the subtitle for that book is "How to Fight for Joy".

2006-05-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

"When someone hurts you, they have power over you. When you don't forgive them, they keep that power."

---Diary of A Mad Black Woman

2006-04-29T01:16:00.000-07:00

don't.
read.
anything.
into it.

don't stuff a lobster
into a poor ant

...and the ant isn't edible anyway...

2006-04-15T05:56:00.000-07:00

some days, i think you're apathetic
and that me believing you pathetic
but that hill and those rocks
those drops dried to brown
and that tree and those nails
remind me
that you are no bogus deity
no roman goddess in marble
hidden in a towering temple

2006-04-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

if he says you're it
i won't go crazy

if he says you're not it
i won't go crazy

that's how i feel about you right now
i guess that's an improvement

2006-04-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

your voice is on repeat
a steady beat to the wail of my longing

someone asked:
"can you love someone who
isn't the one God has chosen to be your lifetime partner?"
you replied with a wry twist of your lips:
"yes, you can. if you are that stubborn."

it's funny that that's one of the things
that keeps me in check

2006-03-31T04:55:00.000-08:00

the curtain falls
and the academic year takes its bows
its limbs move about slowly
weighed down by the history

but i weigh heavier still
and sink deeper into the plush red
the end is bittersweet and
tomorrow is an one-winged bird

2006-03-26T03:28:00.000-08:00

bleary eyed with sleep mussed hair
i turned the knob
just as the door opened
a star fell across the sky

i should have been happy
or happy for more than a second
but falling stars are no joy
when there's no one to share them with

2006-03-15T11:17:00.000-08:00

a certain bestseller
as the big apple goes
says the following

if he likes you
you'll know
if he doesn't
you may be confused
if you're confused
then he doesn't like you
he's not interested

assuming the best
there's but one sad conclusion

i'm confused
so you don't like me

i was afraid of that

2006-03-13T00:37:00.000-08:00

it's the slow unfurling of my claws
the ebbing away of thoughts of you
the fading of your voice
the ceasing sensations of your touch

and then i bump into you in a shop
and the test begins again

2006-03-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

i am a perilous cliff
standing proudly
against the crashing waves

i am a satelite
gravitating to some
light greater than myself

i am a princess
on the way to my throne
destined for more than this

i am a bride
fiercely loved and possessed
a fragile beauty enclosed

identity can't lie in these voices
not even in my own
there's only one label i can cling to to survive
and it's the only thing that's true

that somehow
in this shameful state
in this fading body
in this album of memories

i am captivating
i have a heart in me
and it's worth something precious
and it can't live bound in pain and shame

2006-03-09T04:35:00.000-08:00

it will be a test for the both of us
the fire warmer on your skin than on mine
when i spill these memories
when you find out what i'm all about
will you turn or stay?
i pray for you even now, sunsets away

2006-03-08T10:39:00.000-08:00

You leave my side at first chance
You’re silent the whole way home
You won’t talk to me, you fidget silently
But maybe that’s for my good

Better leave right away
And save me any moments
You’re much too kind
I’m much too comfortable

My covenant sisters are for us
They hesitate to pray
They think it would be cute
But I don’t know what's on your mind

And who knows if my heart’s
Just fluttering on you for a minute
And who said I was ready
That I could awaken love?

So I’ll attempt poetry to bleed it out
And my readers will have to bear
Each mushy gushy trail of words
Until you leave for good

2006-03-07T05:32:00.000-08:00

It's better fight a tangible lady
Someone you can rage against
And sing Fiona Apple's "Ugly Girl" to

But how can you beat a destiny?

At least you're sad.
She's worth being sad over.

2006-03-07T05:07:00.000-08:00

When a Melancholic-Phlegmatic person meets and dates a Sanguine-Phlegmatic person:

SP: So, where do you want to go?
MP: I don't know. Where do you want to go?
SP: Anywhere you want to go.
MP: Well, it doesn't matter where, I'm okay with any place.
SP: I'm okay with any place too. So where?

And on and on... Except the Melancholic-Phlegmatic gets drained of energy and gets depressed while the Sanguine-Phlegmatic stays hyper and thinks that all this talk is so much fun.

Bottom Line: Di sila bagay. = (

2006-03-07T05:04:00.000-08:00

Oops.
I'm leaning on someone who isn't there.
The power of a loner's imagination.

2006-03-06T07:38:00.000-08:00

my fingers wrapped yours for only seconds
yours were cold and clammy
and i wondered if they would warm in my own cold ones
and now i'm here wondering about a lot of other things

it is hard to trust this to Him
but others have held my hands
only to leave them colder
and that makes me stop stretching them out

and for a long time my hands have been clenched
so it's surprising to find me wanting to reach
to realize i'd like to see
if they would warm in your palms

"Daughters of Jerusalem,
I beseech you,
by the gazelles and the deers of the field,
do not awaken or arouse love
until it so desires."

2006-03-05T13:05:00.000-08:00

It won't do
to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long for you.

It won't do
to stir a deep desire,
to fan a hidden fire
that can never burn true.

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
these things begin;

But I don't know
how I would live with myself,
what I'd forgive of myself
if you don't go.

So goodbye,
sweet appetite,
no single bite
could satisfy...

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
these things begin;

But I don't know
what I would forgive
how to live with myself
if you don't go.

It won't do
to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long for you.

Caramel

Suzanne Vega

2006-03-04T10:53:00.000-08:00

What thread did you weave around me?
I could never walk away
Even after you broke my heart
I’d still be there sitting beside you

You’ve shaved off the hair my fingers twined in
You’ve turned gray from the smoke
You’ve taken lovers left and right
I’m still sitting here wondering about you

I’m my way, on my own
I’m going after my dreams
I’m living in some of them already
Yet I’m sitting here thinking about you

2006-03-03T11:03:00.000-08:00

Kill the alarm
Throw off the covers
Sing through a waterfall
Brush through my hair

Buy a kick of caffeine
Settle down for a lecture
Stifle a yawn
Leap out of the chair

Run green between lines
Draw a to-do list
Analyze relationships and scatterings
Connect with the Boss

Rush through traffic
Peel off street wear
Lift, throw and turn
Split, point, and curl

Toss off my sandals
Strip out of the tights
Down with that bun
And plop into comfort

Sleep

2006-02-27T11:08:00.000-08:00

When it was over
and they could talk about it
She said there's just one thing
I have got to know
What in that moment
when you were running so hard and fast
Made you stop and turn for home
He said I always knew you loved me
even though I'd broken your heart
I always knew there'd be a place for me
to make a brand new start

Oh love wash over a multitude of things
Love wash over a multitude of things
Love wash over a multitude of things
Make us whole

When it was over
and they could talk about it
They were sitting on the couch
She said what on earth made you stay here
When you finally figured out
what I was all about
He said I always knew you'd do the right thing
Even though it might take some time
She said, Yeah, I felt that
and that's probably what saved my life

Oh love wash over a multitude of things
Love wash over a multitude of things
Love wash over a multitude of things
Make us whole

There is a love that never fails
There is a healing that always prevails
There is a hope that whispers a vow
A promise to stay while we're working it out
So come with your love and wash over us

When It Was Over

Sara Groves

2006-02-21T08:29:00.000-08:00

honesty is demanded and justly so
yet because of the pain truth brings
one may be honest but not forthright

i see reason enough not to be the latter
my words may be misinterpreted
my looks misjudged

few are the people who can know me
fewer are those who can continue to know
those who can hold me dear after all they know

2006-02-21T04:12:00.000-08:00

it is an irony
that you are also threats to me
you that i seek and despair of
clarity, joy and peace

melancholy and confusion
they are better muses
words multiply
movements are created

when i am content
all i do is sit and smile
can it be that discontent is more productive?
can it be that strife lets me live more?

2006-02-20T21:30:00.000-08:00

They tell me I'm young
But already I'm worried
I feel time creeping by
And it so stealthy I don't notice it

So before I'm completely cast
And before I crumble and crack
I'll learn what I can
I'll fly where I want to

Tomorrow is a day I may not have

2006-02-20T02:41:00.000-08:00

Two hours of beauty
Two hours of madness
Two hours of sheen on my face
And sweat down my back

Pull up, turn out
Eye-line high, shoulders down
Elbows out, stomach in
Bend lower, throw higher

I am supple, I am graceful
I am strong, I am light
I am beautiful
It begins in the mind
And ends in a dance.

2006-02-16T02:08:00.000-08:00

i can't frown forever
so I smile and laugh
as the sadness ebbs and swirls
flushing around in me

maybe i should never have
tied my soul to yours
i can't see thorugh the tangles
and i'm too selfish to sort them out

so let us nurse our wounds
as we continue to inflict them
and as other watch us
like two spiders caught in their own web

2006-02-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

the sun pushed the clouds
and i understood why
why the bench was abandoned

the light heightens my imperfections
yet i linger cross-legged
in a warmth i rarely find

2006-02-14T10:43:00.000-08:00

lemon tea swirls in the cup
a pen darts between the sunlit strands
a lonely heart is enclosed by trees
here perhaps i shall find comfort
in the clutches of strangers' voices

2006-02-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

burn my black strands to copper
i wish i could walk around on fire
to stand out in the sea of ink
desperation reaches the very ends of my hair

2006-02-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

it struggles seemingly purposeless
winds and rains break upon it
life pushes forth still
but falls to the ground to die
there is a kindred sense here
somewhere in these rotting leaves